From Niagara Falls to Buc-ee’s: The Day We Accidentally Left Becky Behind (and Survived Knoxville Three Times)
We were wrapping up the most wonderful road trip from Niagara Falls back home to Galveston. Becky, my sister-in-law from Oklahoma, had joined us in our black on black on black on black Jeep Grand Wagoneer. Very dark. We’d seen gorgeous Niagara Falls, laughed through Michigan, and wished we could’ve pole vaulted over Ohio, thanks to rude service stations and obnoxious amounts of garbage and JESUS signs throughout the entire State. Everything had been amazing… until 5 a.m. at Buc-ee’s in Tennessee.
Picture it: 5 a.m., the summer air thick with wonderful smells, the radio on level one playing light classical tunes and we’re at the tail end of an EPIC roadtrip. My husband, his sister Becky, and I roll up to Buc-ee’s… because if you’re gonna make a mistake, make it at a gas station that’s basically Disneyland for over-caffeinated road trippers on a quest for over-priced souvenirs and arguably the best beef jerky on the planet. It’s dark, we’re in a black Jeep Grand Wagoneer, and Becky’s in the back, wrapped in a dark blanket like she’s starring in a low-budget vampire flick. We leave her snoozing while we embark on what can only be described as The Quest for the Pecan Square.
So, it’s 5 a.m., and like any rational person, we decide Buc-ee’s is our holy pilgrimage. A black Jeep Grand Wagoneer, darker than LeBron, and Becky (my sister-in-law) camouflaged in so much darkness that she could’ve been auditioning for a spy thriller. With her dark blanket, dark pillow, and blacked-out interior, she was practically a shadow. Becky’s basically undercover. My husband and I go inside, leaving Becky snoozing in this mobile cave. I do have a conversation with her before LOCKING THE DOORS AND LEAVING THE ENGINE RUNNING… “You want to pee or get some jerky or coffee? We’re at Buc-ee’s”. She was half-asleep but clearly and coherently presented a solid “no thank you. I’m going to stay in the car.” I made a joke that I hope nobody kidnaps her while we’re inside. It was too early for jokes and nobody laughed… not even me….rare. Crickets. And in that eerie stillness, you’d never guess what kind of absurd adventure was about to unfold.
Inside, we embarked on the epic quest for the pecan square. Enter a cashier/bakery department worker (volunteer?) so ancient, she could’ve been my great-great-great-great-grandma. She moved slower than a sloth on vacation… I swear, she must’ve served pecan squares back when dinosaurs had brunch. It took 30 minutes, but honey, in drag queen years, I aged a century. My contour practically cracked with impatience. I could hardly bottle my rage at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Meanwhile, on the way back to the car, my husband tells me, “Zip it!” because I was so mad at that snail-paced woman, and what should’ve taken 3 minutes took 30. No exaggeration, that was reality! I was ready to stage a full drag show of impatience…heels and all. But we got in the car, and suddenly, I was silent. The engine purred, the car was dark, and the only sound was my quiet seething. I glanced back and could see the lump of Becky. My sister-in-law was not kidnapped. The roadtrip adventure could move forward and leave this longer than usual Buc-ee’s debacle in the rear-view mirror. We drove, not a word, the calm before the storm I didn’t know was brewing. We drive… 40 whole miles of me silently exploding. Then, bam… the iPad rings, faint and almost forgotten, since we rarely use it. Turns out, thanks to a hotspot, it’s Roy’s mother… Becky’s mom. And the first thing out of her mouth? “YOU LEFT BECKY AT BUC-EE’S!” In a perfect comedy moment, Roy and I whip our heads around at each other like we rehearsed it. Holy fucking shit!!!!! We spin to the back seat… no Becky. Just a sad, empty blanket, her phone, and all her stuff. We’re horrified… we’re 40 miles away! Turns out, Becky’s been abandoned, pleading for a phone like a reality show contestant. We U-turn at the first exit, back through Knoxville for round two.
Becky, after realizing we ditched her, marches inside to ask for a phone… since hers is in a Jeep Wagoneer headed towards Oklahoma…only to find Buc-ee’s is a phone-free zone. No landline. Employee policy to not bring a phone into the building. So there she is, outside, trying to look less like a serial killer and more like someone who just got abandoned. The longer it took her to convince someone she wasn’t on meth, the further we drove. And I don’t drive like my brother-in-law who moves similarly to snail lady. You know I had that Grand Wagoneer bopping at least 90 down the autobahn. Finally, some brave soul handed over a phone, she called her mom, and we got our wake-up call. We pass through Knoxville a second time, and as we pull up to Buc-ee’s… another 40 miles later… there she is. Becky, by the ice machine, looking like she lost a dog, a friend, and oh right… her brother and me, who actually ditched her. We burst into laughter as she tells us how she just wanted to pee, grab a drink, and snag some souvenirs… thanks to that prehistoric bakery lady taking forever. After a giggle-fest, Becky hops in, and we roll on to drop her in Oklahoma… then home to Galveston.
And so, darlings, as we rolled into the grand finale of our epic road escapade, let me leave you with this sparkling nugget: Niagara Falls? Solid 10 out of 10, honey! If you haven’t seen that thundering, misty, wig-snatching spectacle, you need to sashay your fabulous self there. It’s a full-on water feature of drama…Mother Nature’s ultimate drag performance. Go get drenched in that extravaganza! Now, let’s tumble downstream to Buc-ee’s… a solid 3 out of 10, if I’m feeling generous. It’s like a theme park of gas stations, except the only ride is overwhelming crowds and existential dread. Honestly, after this, I’ll be scoping out the most deserted, sketchy-looking gas station with one flickering light… and loving it!
And next time, forget a Becky-on-board sign; we’ll just triple-check the headcount. And thus, our epic road trip… and Becky’s reality show audition… was complete!
xoxo, AB 💅🏼💄💋