The Manosphere: A Support Group for Men Who Are Bad at Being Men

Tonight I made the mistake of watching a documentary about the “manosphere,” which, for anyone unfamiliar, appears to be a support group for men whose personalities are built entirely out of protein powder, podcasts, and unresolved mommy issues.

I’m not exaggerating when I say it might be the most cringe-inducing thing I’ve ever seen.

These guys sit around in expensive gaming chairs, speaking into microphones like they’re delivering the Sunday Sermon, confidently assigning a “value” to women like they’re rating used Hondas on Craigslist.

Apparently every woman in the world can be reduced to a number.

A “6.”

A “high value female.”

A “low value female.”

Which is fascinating coming from men whose entire résumé appears to be:

• Owning a ring light

• Saying “alpha” a lot

• Having a podcast no one asked for

I’m watching this thinking, who exactly died and appointed these doofuses the Supreme Court of Vaginas?

The confidence is wild.

They speak with the authority of Nobel Prize winners, yet the intellectual depth of a pocketful of lint.

I swear to fake God, I have seen Australian Shepherds display more critical thinking.

And listen… I’m a Kinsey Scale 6.

Which means I am so gay I could make a pride flag burst into flames just by walking past it.

Despite being aggressively homosexual, I’m still more of a man than these dudes will ever be!

Being a man is not about how loudly you can say the word “alpha” while wearing sunglasses indoors.

It’s about things like:

• Not being a misogynistic idiot

• Not treating women like baseball cards

• Having a personality that extends beyond “money and pussy”

That last one seems to be a real struggle for them.

If you listen long enough, you realize their entire worldview can be summarized in two bullet points:

1. Money

2. Pussy

That’s it. That’s the whole philosophy.

Thousands of years of human civilization, art, science, literature, philosophy, and emotional development… and these dudes boiled masculinity down to the intellectual complexity of a Michelob Ultra commercial.

It would almost be funny if it weren’t so embarrassing.

What’s really going on is insecurity.

Deep, festering insecurity.

You can practically hear it rattling around in their skulls every time they talk about “dominating” women, “ranking” women, or explaining how women “lose value.”

Healthy, confident men don’t spend their evenings angrily assigning numbers to women.

Healthy men have hobbies.

Friends.

The manosphere attracts a very specific type of guy: the one who never developed a personality beyond rage and protein shakes.

There are some women who buy into it.

In a world of eight billion people, you’re going to find someone willing to date a guy who thinks emotional intelligence is a conspiracy.

But thank fake God most women look at these dudes the same way the rest of us do:

Like a walking red flag with a tiny penis.

Personally, I’m thrilled to be gay.

Thrilled.

Not only do I not have to listen to these men explain how women should behave or what their value is…

I also get the added bonus of not becoming one of them.

That’s the greatest privilege of all.

If masculinity means spending your life angry at women and yelling into a microphone about “value,” I’m perfectly happy being disqualified.

Masculinity isn’t defined by bank accounts and body counts.

Turns out the most “alpha” thing a man can do… is simply not be an insecure idiot.”

Xoxo, AB 💅💄💋