HAPPY MONDAY… notes from a very tired person in a very loud world.

Every morning I wake up and it’s the same episode of Groundhog Day, except somehow with worse writing every season.

Wake up.

Existential dread.

Coffee.

Texas.

Not fun Texas. Not cowboy boots and neon dance halls Texas. Red Texas. Christian Nationalist Texas.

Every single day the news alerts start rolling in before I’ve even emotionally clocked into my own life.

Trump said this.

Trump threatened that.

Trump posted something insane at 3:14 a.m.

Someone’s rights are disappearing.

Someone’s yelling about drag queens again.

Eggs cost seventeen million dollars.

The planet is on fire.

No!!!

Nothing is happy.

Nothing feels normal.

Everything feels exhausting.

I hate my day job. Deeply. Spiritually. Biblically.

The people I work for don’t like me.

The people I work with don’t like me.

Honestly, I barely like me lately.

I don’t really have friends anymore either. Not real ones. Not the kind you can call and say, “Hey, I think I’m losing my mind a little,” without feeling like you’re becoming a burden.

Getting older? Oh my fake God. Nobody prepares you for the emotional whiplash of aging when you’re already depressed.

Your body starts making sounds.

Your face changes overnight.

You realize people don’t call you “young” anymore.

You start randomly injuring yourself sleeping.

It all keeps adding up to this heavy, constant feeling of… What exactly am I doing here?

Once you say out loud that life feels unbearable sometimes, everyone panics and starts throwing motivational quote graphics at you like dodgeballs.

I understand now how people get here.

Not because they’re weak.

Not because they’re selfish.

Because sometimes the emotional exhaustion becomes so loud that your brain starts craving silence by any means necessary.

When you don’t really have parents to lean on…

When your social circle disappears…

When the world feels hostile…

When the only person you truly have is your husband…

…you start feeling guilty for even speaking.

I can tell sometimes he thinks I’m just negative. Complaining all the time. I get it. Listening to someone drown emotionally every day has to be exhausting.

What am I supposed to do?

Pretend things are magical?

It’s not fun right now.

No excitement.

No community.

No feeling that life is opening up into something beautiful.

It just feels like surviving.

I think a lot more people feel this way than they admit.

Especially lately.

Everyone’s walking around pretending they’re okay while internally screaming into the void.

So this is me not pretending today.

I’m depressed.

I’m disappointed.

I’m lonely.

I’m angry.

I’m tired.

But I’m still here.

It feels like an accomplishment some days.

So…

Happy Monday!!! 💅💄💋