Make America Retire Early (And Elect Me While You’re At It)

Listen. I’ve had a thought. Not like a cute little “what if I had bangs again” thought. No. A full-blown, nation-saving, history-book-writing, “why am I not already in charge?” thought.

I should be president.

Stay with me.

First executive order? Retirement age: 45.

Yes. Forty. Five.

What the hell are we doing right now? We wake up, we grind, we sell our souls to fluorescent lighting and passive-aggressive emails for decades, and then… then… at 65, when your knees sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies and your back is shot to fuck, society is like, “Okay babe, go live your life now!”.

Excuse me??

At 65, I don’t want to start living. I want to be on my beachfront property with stories, memories, and zero responsibility. I want JOY while my body still cooperates. I want vacations where I’m not Googling “is this pain normal?” halfway through.

We have normalized suffering as a personality trait. “Oh, I’ve worked 40 years straight.” Congratulations?? That sounds like a hostage situation.

Don’t even get me started on how many people don’t even make it to 65!!! The system is basically: work your entire life and maybe… maybe… you’ll get a few decent years at the end if your spine, heart, and general will to exist hold up.

No ma’am!

Under my administration, we flip the script. You give your best years early, stack your coins, and then at 45? You clock out for good. Go travel. Fall in love. Be messy. Be fabulous. Start a pottery business you’ll abandon in six months. LIVE.

While we’re at it, can we talk about leadership?

Why are our presidents always one minor inconvenience away from saying, “Back in my day…”?

New rule: you cannot be president after 60.

I’m not saying wisdom doesn’t come with age… but so does stubbornness, confusion about technology, and a suspicious loyalty to fax machines and writing checks. We need energy. We need perspective. We need someone who understands both living costs and memes.

Also: if you need help opening a PDF, you should not have nuclear codes.

So yes, my platform is simple:

1. Retire at 45

2. Lead before 60

3. Stop romanticizing burnout

4. Start romanticizing living your damn life

Will people say it’s unrealistic? Sure.

Will I still be right? Obviously.

Deep down, everyone knows this system is tired. So are we!

So go ahead… write me in.

Or don’t. But when you’re 64, icing your knees and whispering “just one more year,” remember: I tried to save you, Bitch!

Xoxo, AB 💅💄💋